The Daily Roar

Lewis the Cat Fights the Law...and the Avon Lady

2006-06-24T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since Sophie Kat posted, but she's been so caught up in following the trial of Lewis the Cat (pictured at right) that she simply hasn't had the time. Lewis, to those of you who are not familiar with the case, was the feline vigilante of justice who faced the death penalty after attacking five people outside his home in Fairfield, Connecticut. Lewis' own Magnificent Mistress, Ruth Cisero, faced time in jail after she refused to give in and kill her furry, black and white bodyguard.

While awaiting trial, Lewis was also forced to take Prozac, which outrages Sophie Kat to the very core of her being. Sophie Kat spits upon the idea of doing anything that dulls one's hatred. Luckily, the Prozac didn't work on Lewis and he is no longer being forced to take it, so his wrath is still intact.

An animal sanctuary in Utah offered to give Lewis a home, but he said, "Thank, but no thanks." He likes Connecticut and wants to stay. Besides, if he moved to Utah, he probably wouldn't be able to drink or swear anymore. Sophie Kat has heard good things about Connecticut, since that is the home of several of her Magnificent Mistress' Awesome Aunties and Uncle. Sophie likes to fantasize about flying to Connecticut to meet the dashing Lewis and give birth to a litter of kittens with her good looks, his courage and the hard-core rage they both share. (OK, so Sophie Kat hasn't had ovaries or a uterus since she was 12 weeks old, but a girl can dream, can't she? Don't ruin Sophie Kat's fantasy with the truth.)

On June 20th, a judge in Connecticut spared Lewis' life with the only stipulation that he never, ever go outside ever, ever again. During his time in captivity, Lewis will be able to keep up on his own blog, which can be viewed here. He also sold 500 T-Shirts that feature a picture of him behind bars and the words "Save Lewis". Unfortunately, the shirts only come in human size. Sophie Kat doesn't like clothes or any other type of adornment, but even she would wear the shirt to support the superhero.

Sophie Kat could not be more pleased with the outcome of the trial. She has definitely learned her lesson about "evil freedom." Sophie Kat only spent one day outdoors after the Man of the house left the back door open. Sophie Kat told Other Cat (pictured at left), "Later, loser," and made a run for it. Unfortunately, once she was out there and realized how good she had it in the safety of the country cottage themed hoosegow, she tried to return home but realized that she was lost. She spent the rest of the afternoon, which seemed like an eternity, waiting for the Magnificent Mistress to rescue her. Thankfully, Sophie Kat was only on the other side of the garage, and was quickly discovered, but believe her, it seemed more like the otherside of the world.

Now, whenever she feels the need to escape, she positions herself between the window and the mini-blinds. That's all the freedom she needs.

Life is good.

Above: Sophie Kat enjoys a vacation from captivity.

Paybacks are a Bitch

2006-04-03T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sophie Kat is not sure what the creature is, but she's sure that it is staying in her house and is not respecting the ground rules. For example, rule number one: No peeing on the floor. That rule does not discriminate. It applies to humans as well as animals.

But, to get on with her point, Sophie Kat quotes Benjamin Franklin: "Visitors and fish stink after three days." Sophie agrees with the former, but the latter baffles her. She loves the smell of fish. But, yes, ALL visitors stink after three days and those of the canine variety stink even more. This time, it's more than just a typical canine/visitor odor. This time, Sophie smells a scam.

The Man's ever cheerful, ever present parents have taken Dog off of the Mistress & Man's hands many times. Sophie finds them to be enormously stupid to do this, yet she is extremely grateful for the occasional peace and quite. Not that she would ever admit it. Anyway, Man's Parents have been ever so helpful in relieving Sophie Kat, and Mistress & Man, as well, of Sophie Kat's arch nemesis, Dog.

Mistress & Man are now repaying those favors. Boy, are they paying. They happily agreed to watch Man's parent's pet for an entire week. When the Mistress went to pick up the "favor," who takes the disgusting form of a black dog-cat mixture known as a cocker-spaniel-poodle-whatever-kind of nasty-ass-small-yapper-you-can-find-on-the-streets-of-this-inbred-little-town Mix (hey, she calls 'em as she sees 'em), but known to Sophie Kat as Beastly Burden. The Mistress found a note describing the Beastly Burden's "little accidents" that have been happening lately. This is where the fun starts.

Anyone who knows Sophie Kat knows what a kind, welcoming soul she is. It was bad enough to have another dog in the house, not that Sophie confuses the Beastly Burden with a dog, but that's what everyone keeps calling it, so she'll go with that. This unassuming creature walks around the house with her toenails clicking in an ominous forewarning of the imminent explosion that Man's mother so sweetly described in her note.

That explosion was no longer imminent when the Beastly Burden was caught hovering her hindquarters just an inch above the Mistress' hardwood floors and leaving a trail where she had been. That is three pungent puddles and one putrid pile, to be exact, left where no puddles or piles should ever be placed.

Normally, Sophie Kat would see the humor in the fact that two of those puddles spread to Dog's blankets. In fact, she is pleased at the thought. However, Sophie Kat feels somewhat sorry for the Beastly Burden. That is, she would, if the Beastly Burden knew what the hell was going on around her. Sophie Kat should mention that the Mistress' cries fall on two sets of deaf ears: those belonging to the Man, who snores theatrically as burrows into his blankets as the Mistress is forced to clean up after his parent's incontinent stinky simpleton, who in this case, actually is practically deaf. The deafness causes Beastly Burden to emit her high-pitched bark at full volume whenever she is displeased. This annoys even Dog, who is never anything but completely full of glee.

Sophie Kat fully believes that this scam was perpetrated with full passive-aggressive fury by the Man's parents. Sophie Kat does not like passive-aggressive behavior. She would much rather live with a loud, boisterous dog who barks and chews and whines rather than a dog who never complains, but leaves tokens of her appreciation around the house.

Sophie Kat is of the school of thought that if you piss someone off enough, you will have to hear about it. The Beastly Burden has pissed Sophie Kat off greatly, but she will not have to hear about it because she's deaf. No pun intended, either time. OK, why lie? Sophie Kat intended every word of it and is quite pleased with herself.

Nap time calls now, so Sophie Kat must head for the top of the refrigerator, where, alas, there is no keyboard, but thankfully, no puddles or piles.

Babies Having Babies

2006-03-28T17:06:00.000-08:00

Mothers today are getting younger and younger. Sophie Kat is about 21-years-old in human years, which means she’s actually only lived for three trips around the sun. And while all the females in this domicile are as barren as the space between George Bush’s oversized ears, with the exception of the Maternal Mistress, of course, Sophie Kat was shocked to learn that a human younger than herself was actually pregnant. With twins, no less!
Sophie Kat read that a two-month-old baby girl in Pakistan had two fetuses inside of her. Doctors removed them both during a two hour operation. Apparently the young mother was asserting her right to chose. Sophie Kat assumes that the infant mother was betrothed at conception and must have been married right after birth, in order to assure that no one would think that the fetuses were conceived out of wedlock. After all, they were delivered two months later.
Sophie Kat is unfamiliar with the laws of Pakistan, but she does know that people are stoned to death for being single mothers in some countries.
Sophie wonders how this condition, known in the medical world as fetus-in-fetu, was discovered. The freaky fetuses weighed two pounds, about 1/3 of the infant mother’s weight, and are actually the mother’s triplet siblings. Wow. Does that mean that the sister and mother are one and the same? This has taken surrogacy to a whole new level. Sophie Kat finds in hard to wrap her brain around that, and really doesn't want to anyway.
She's going to nap now. She assumes that she will see this twisted family on the next episode of Maury, where they will try to establish paternity.

Iraqnaphobia

2006-03-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

Sophie Kat would like to growl at people who go to Iraq when they don’t have to. There, she said it. She feels sorry for the Iraqis, what with their stuff getting blown up all the time and all those crazy people running around yelling in Arabic. It would make Sophie Kat want to hide in the house, but then what do you do when your house blows up? There's no where to go.

Anyway, Sophie Kat read today that two Christian missionaries were released after being kidnapped in Iraq. When Sophie Kat sees the word kidnapped, all she can focus on is the word “nap” and that makes her long for her cozy bed above the refrigerator, so she will try to make this brief. People who are stupid enough to go to Iraq deserve what they get. If soldiers who are trained, armed and shielded keep coming home in body bags, what makes these inbred idiots who have never left their small town in Minnesota think that Iraq would be a good place to visit? Sophie would hate Iraq. How can anyone sleep while constantly being bombarded with the sounds of artillery fire?

Sophie Kat understands the need to help others. Some people are born with that need. Some, like Sophie Kat, care about very few people, indeed, but she digresses. The Magnificent Mistress once volunteered to help people in need. That’s how she ended up in Aberdeen. She was smart enough to know that charity begins at home and that it’s stupid to go to another country to do good work when there is plenty of good work to be done here.

While The Magnificent Mistress was volunteering, she thought that she would meet other people who shared her views on helping others. Some of them did, but others exhibited bad behavior. Others, still, wanted nothing more that for people to be impressed by how wonderful they were by helping people. One of them, who Sophie Kat knows only as Plate Face (OK, well, that’s not totally true. She also knows her by the initials S.V., but it would be in poor taste to spell out the whole name.). However, the stories she has heard about Plate Face force Sophie Kat to narrow her eyes, lower her non-existent claws and emit her sternest growl just at the thought. Therefore, she will move on to another supposed “humanitarian” that The Magnificent Mistress encountered when she set out to help people.

This person shared the same first name as the Magnificent Mistress, so she will be referred to only as the Cock-Hating Communist (sorry, kids, but it’s true). To make a really long story short, this person’s dream was to save the children of Iraq while ignoring the needs of the children of America. She expressed her desire to go to Iraq as a peace maker and serve the children toasted cheese sandwiches that they would have to try to eat without gagging, as they would be forced to listen to her views on the war, bike riding, vegetarianism, and other post-revolution, left-wing extremist, self-centered, people hating rhetoric.

It is Sophie Kat’s wise belief that this person cared not about people, but cared only about what people thought of her. It seems to Soph that this person’s reason for living was based on nothing other than the way people saw her, so her solitary purpose for wanting to go to Iraq was so that she would be killed and it would be all over the news that this poor person gave up her life to help the poor Iraqis. Maybe then her estranged family would finally accept her. Of course, she wouldn’t be around to hear their praise, but it wouldn’t matter, anyway.

Neither Sophie Kat nor the Magnificent Mistress have any idea what has become of the Cock-hating Communist. They both hope that her dreams of becoming a martyr will come true, and they will encourage her to do whatever is that she needs to do to make that dream a reality. People who go to Iraq are going for themselves, not for others. Don't believe the hype. Humanitarians, indeed. People like that only want to help one person, and you can bet it's not an Iraqi child.

2006-03-22T17:34:00.000-08:00

Sophie classes it up for her third birthday.

Nobuddy here

2006-03-21T19:12:00.000-08:00

Sophie was sad to learn of the death of Humphrey, the British version of Socks the Cat, the cat who adopted Bill Clinton. Humphrey was a much more rotund cat than Socks, making him far superior.

Socks didn’t get along their dog Buddy, who, ironically, like Sophie Kat’s own arch nemesis, Dog, was also a Chocolate Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, unlike Dog, Buddy was struck and killed by a car after the Clintons moved to New York. Sophie Kat should note that she when uses the term “unfortunately” she refers not to the death of Buddy, (she would have used the term “fitting” instead) but to the fact that the same fate has not yet fallen upon Dog. But she digresses.

Socks would have once again been the Clintons’ only pet, had he not been forced out when Bush took office and the Clintons moved to New York. It must be a vast right wing conspiracy. Sophie cares not to discuss the state of the current White House, which, sadly, has no feline family members. She reasons that President Bush enjoys the company of dogs because they remind him of his own drooling and simpering stupidity.

Sophie Kat wonders if the next election will bring the Clintons back to the White House.

2006-03-21T19:11:00.001-08:00

Humphrey

2006-03-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

Bill Clinton and Buddy

If You're Illiterate, Don't Read This

2006-03-20T17:25:00.000-08:00

Sophie Kat read an article today about a drunk man in Florida who decided to reach into a tiger’s cage and pet the big kitty. He seemed surprised that the tiger tried to rip his arm off.

This reminds Sophie Kat of the time the Mistress and the Man were away for the weekend and a neighbor girl came over to feed everyone and let Dog outside into the frightening world of freedom.

This nice neighbor child recounted a story to the Mistress several weeks later, a one-sided, biased, prejudiced and discriminatory story in which, she claims, that Sophie Kat “went crazy” and “tried to attack” the innocent, young neighbor girl, who coincidentally, is the daughter of the minister who married the Mistress and the Man.

The details of the inflamatory story involved the young neighbor girl innocently skipping through the house, frolicking harmlessly, thinking to herself, “Gee, this looks like a nice kitty,” (on a side note- this was the actual quote given to the Mistress) when suddenly, the unprovoked Sophie Kat dug her claws into the child’s legs, hissed, spat, and proceeded to jump on top of the washer and flung herself onto the poor helpless neighbor child.

Now, anyone who is familiar with Sophie Kat sees an immediate flaw in this scenario. For one thing, Sophie Kat has no claws. The other is that the word “unprovoked” was used.

In reality, the unholy neighbor child thrust both hands upon the lounging Sophie Kat, swinging her from her throne on top of the refrigerator. Ignoring Sophie Kat’s firm warning growl, the devilish child then squeezed the ruffled Sophie Kat to her chest compressing her tender stomach, which happened to be full of corn and dishwashing detergent (don’t ask). When Sophie Kat made good on the earlier warning by attempting to tear the flesh from the arm of the ghastly neighbor girl, the child emitted a war cry and dropped all 12 pounds of Sophie Kat onto the kitchen floor. The child then ran, with Dog, don’t forget, into the sanctuary where Other Cat crouched fearfully on the windowsill. As she approached Other Cat, Sophie Kat bravely stood in the way and did whatever she could to stop this attack from continuing. While this was happening, Dog took the opportunity to let out its own deafening, unholy meow that so enrages Sophie Kat, leaving her no other option but to try to restrain the girl.

The nasty Neighbor girl ran home and told her father, Mightier-Than-Thou Minister, who told his wife, who works with Man’s Mother, who then told Man’s Sister, Small Town Socialite, who happened to have already heard the story from her best friend, who happens to be the Nasty Neighbor Girl, who then recounted her sick version of the story to the Mistress, who luckily, having co-habitated with Sophie Kat for three years, knew that the Nasty Neighbor Girl was telling the Devil’s tales.

The moral of today’s reminiscence is no matter how drunk or stupid you are, and no matter how pretty the kitty, always obey the signs. And if you can’t read, stay home.

2006-03-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

Sophie Kat at home

Curling Ribbon, Zyprexa and Other Delicious Snacks

2006-03-18T16:59:00.001-08:00

An Associated Press article stated that 40 out of every 1,000 American children are taking anti-psychotic medication. Most of them are being prescribed the drugs, which are designed for adult schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, for diseases like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).

Sophie was accused of having ODD after leaving three strings of red and green curling ribbon in the litter box in one week. Her Mistress had told her time and time again that it is bad to eat curling ribbon and other delicious plastic snacks, yet she did it anyway. Sophie previously denied that it was she who decorated the litter box for Christmas; however, her pleas of innocence fell on deaf ears after she didn’t quite complete the transaction in what was supposed to be the fourth deposit that week. Instead, Sophie’s hindquarters were merrily festive for the holiday season. It was then that Sophie was accused of having ODD.

The humiliation of having the curling ribbon forcibly removed amid screams of disgust from her Mistress wouldn’t have stopped Sophie Kat from eating it the next time. It was only when the Mistress stopped leaving the crinkly little delicacies where Sophie could get them that the habit was curtailed. She was never accused of having ODD again. She never even thinks about plastic anymore, not as long as there are Kitty Catch-Ems available. Or cheese. Sophie loves cheese so much.

This brings Sophie back to her original subject of children in America who are overmedicated, as well, in Sophie’s opinion, under-parented. It seems that the same parents who diagnose their children with ODD and ADHD and ABCD are the same parents who rely on screaming, spanking and swearing as techniques in curtailing bad behavior. Those tactics don’t even work on Sophie Kat.

Now, Sophie realizes that children are different from cats and it can be harder to change the behavior of a child, because children are so less intelligent than cats. However, if parents would remove the negative influences from their children’s lives, such as R-rated movies, friends who talk back to their parents, parents who do nothing but scream and spank, and replace them with other, more positive influence, like board games, books and conversation, it might be possible that the children will behave better. They might not. The parents might have to go a step further and take the X-Box away until the kids decide that they want to behave. The fact remains that if parents give in to their children’s crazy behavior, then the children will never learn to behave.

Sure, it would be easier for the Mistress to let Sophie eat plastic rather than go to the effort of not leaving it around, just like it’s easier to pop a pill in a kid’s mouth rather than say no and make Junior unhappy.

If Sophie wants to eat some plastic, and as long as plastic is available, she will eat it, and all the screaming in the world won’t stop that. It is only when the plastic is no longer available that Sophie eats healthier food. No medication is necessary. But, if she ever spots a piece of Scotch tape stuck to the kitchen counter, she’ll chomp it down faster than her Mistress can yell “Sophie, No!” And by then it’s too late. But, Sophie doesn’t care. She’s not the one who has to clean out the litter box.

So, you want your kids to behave better? Stop letting them get away with things that they shouldn't be doing. Or, at least try that before you sedate the kids with medication designed for real illnesses. If it doesn't work, sure, talk to your doctor about normal medications. But remember, a kid who throws tantrums in the grocery store to get what he wants is not crazy. He's smart. He's doing exactly what his parents have trained him to do.

2006-03-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Sophie Kat with her sights set on some bad behavior.